Lisa Heuer
Monkey See, Monkey Do?
Something quite interesting happened over here… I thought I was being a good mommy (already discussed that problem before) and suggested strongly that my daughter need not eat more chocolate chips. She had requested chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and I happily obliged. Then, she walked by the kitchen more times than normal, grabbing little fists full of chocolate chips. I wondered about her frequent visits to the kitchen in that short time span until I saw the action. You can only imagine my reply, “That is enough chocolate chips. There is only so much sugar that should start your day.” Not too crazy right? Then, without even thinking, I turned to the bag of chocolate chip cookies that we made the night before and ate three. Yep, three. (Do I dare mention that the three were in addition to the six I had the night before?) I’m telling you, this happens all the day long. I say one thing and then realize that I expect so much from them that I don’t even execute myself, especially when it comes to nutrition. I teach one thing but do another.
Was I following her example or expecting her to follow mine? My actions were speaking so loudly, she couldn’t hear what I said. Those actions said something like, “Have as much chocolate and sugar that you want, your mom does!” Embarrassing, again. Chocolate isn’t my only problem… and that isn’t my point! How about spending and adhering to the budget? I tell those observant ones in my home that, “We aren’t stopping at McDonalds because we have already used our family allowance for the week,” (good mommy move, teaching about budgeting and that money doesn’t grow on trees) and then make an exception and go out for dinner because I don’t want to cook (then teaching them that a budget really is just an excuse, not a rule or boundary, and quite possibly the tree just sprouted some new branches). What is worse… leaving out the budget lesson all together or teaching them how to make it and break it, every time? [deep sigh]
I am participating in a group on FB and there is an assigned value each month. This month is honesty. The group encourages the parents to really focus on practicing what is preached. I have realized that I think I’m honest (another survival story) but there are quite a few white lies in my day. How about when my kids hear me say something on the phone that isn’t true? “I am not able to do that right now, I am about to leave for an appointment,” and then hang up the phone (still in my PJ’s) and get back on the computer. How about simply yelling from across the room when the phone is about to be answered, “If it is for me, I’m not here.” (I don’t really do that, BUT somebody else in this home does and I’ll give you a hint; its a boy.) How about not telling the story exactly how it happened? If my children were in my presence for the actual story to happen and hear me tell the happenings with a twist, I would venture to guess that they learn a little tiny bit more about convenient honesty, or maybe some good story telling tips?
I am a prime example of this inefficiency. That word makes me feel better than dishonesty or inconsistency or even lack of integrity? In quiet, reflective moments, (which I rarely have, it’s no wonder that I fall short) I can more clearly see these things and I want to declare a mulligan. I want another chance to do it right, to say the right thing and then be an example of what is right instead of wrong or somewhere in between. I am the monkey, they are watching me.
Must we be good at everything? This is my story…
I was having a thought this morning… I’m not sure why it started but I sat quietly to let it run around in my head, fast and furious.
Women: why do we feel we must be good at everything? We want to cook, to clean, to mother, to write, to photograph, to create, to sew, to craft, to reupholster, to hem, to decorate, to serve, etc. and when we fall short, we are so hard on ourselves. Or how about that our children are acting unruly… didn’t we teach them better? We must be bad teachers too. Some women hold down jobs outside of their home too. I can’t imagine the pressure to perform there and at home. All of this talk of being good makes me tired.
Men: They work in the industry they feel is a good fit for their skills and don’t try and do the rest (is that generally speaking?). They don’t pretend to ALSO be good housekeepers and cooks, teachers and discipliners, organizers and such. Sometimes they are good at these things but they don’t lose sleep over trying to be good at these things.
So, the thoughts were stirring in me because, in my head, I am a good mom. In my head, I serve nutritious meals that my children love. In my head, I can fix a costume or hem some pants. In my head, sure I can decorate my home. But you see, this is my story and a survival technique. Truth be told, I often feel like I am at the end of my rope wishing I had more patience or wishing I was at least somewhat interested in getting on the floor and playing some sort of pretend game (but my survival story tells me I DID do that). My story tells me that this week, I provided healthy delicious meals for my family. Truth be told, most of them were failures (note…. no, Shepard’s pie made with ground turkey and sweet potatoes isn’t delicious. And meatloaf? I don’t suppose it is ever delicious but please don’t freeze it and expect it to be a good meal later) that I pushed my plate away in disgust and opted for a PB&J. But when you ask me, I remember my story-the one that helps me survive my days. : ) That was embarrassing to say that. Did I really make Shepard’s pie and meatloaf in the same week?
I want to be a good mom, a good cook, have a beautifully clean home, play on the floor, have well behaved children that love and respect me… but I think I need to pick the one that fits my skills and work on the rest-allowing for a learning curve.
Sometimes I ask Tim about different jobs and he easily explains, “that’s not my skill set.” and I understand what he means. He doesn’t try to pretend that he is good at everything. It seems, generally speaking, non-mothers-or non-mothering jobs, choose their skill set, work at it and get paid for it. It’s the job of mothering, (wait, is it mothering or just being a woman?) too many skills that are needed and we are so hard on ourselves when one of those things isn’t so great. Why do we think we need to be good at everything? There was no mothering school we attended, there were no home economics classes that were required prior to bringing those needy little bundles of joy home. Nobody is taking us under their wing to help us through the learning curve. And we certainly don’t have a paycheck that depends on how good (or not good) we are attacking our jobs. I use “jobs” because let’s be honest, it is a whole bunch of jobs-not just the one called Protect The Children, or Take Care Of The Children.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that it is ok to stay in my PJ’s all day-I’m good at that. I’m working on other things today.
and to make things more interesting, here is a picture of the lovely Shepard’s Pie with ground turkey and sweet potatoes. The recipe was from my Magic Foods book (see that attempt to feed my family nutritious meals?)
A small request from a small gift
Tonight, as I put my #2 to sleep, he gently and ever-so-kindly asked me to sing him a song. I secretly love when he asks me… somebody wants to hear me sing! Anyhow, I gave a sigh and said, “you need to go to sleep after this song.” He then put in his request for You Are My Sunshine. I began and he closed his eyes as if he was contemplating the lyrics and it turns out he was.
He stopped me after “And I hung my head and I cried,” and said, “Wait mom… what was that part where you were holding me and then I was gone and you cried?” I clarified the music and he asked me to please start over, confessing that he liked the song.
If the request was coming from my #1 I would excuse it as a pretty clever way to delay the inevitable.
I started again.
This time, without closing his eyes, he watched me and hung on to every word trying to make sense of the song. I had explained that it was a dream… that I was holding him in a dream and when I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I was sad. When I was finished, he asked for one more song. “Again?” I asked (insert curtsy) as if it was my encore? I have been coughing lately and have a very scratchy voice but he was no critic and could care less, thankfully. (I am so grateful for the simplicity of children. When do we become so Not Simple?) I sang request #2-I Am A Child Of God
When I was finished this time, he reminded me that he needed to say his personal prayers. Aren’t children a good reminder of the things you should be doing? His prayer included some of the most honest and precious things I have ever heard, such as, “please help me to try new foods even though I don’t, and please help me not have dreams about snakes and blood.”
I am so grateful to be a mother. Today, I am grateful. We have been snowed in and I mean that quite literally. Our car, not being capable of driving in the snow, has made it impossible for us to go very far-only to the end of our drive way with our sleds. Anyhow, I thought I wasn’t grateful to be a mother when I felt stuck, unable to go get a grocery or two. I thought I was ready to see another human in the adult version, someone who might understand what it has been like to be stuck at home for four days, somebody who might validate my thoughts and nod in agreement. Instead I had a humble moment to be reminded that children are a gift, a gift that is continual validation regardless of my flaws and short comings, that I don’t need to invite over or leave the house to find.
Helloooooo?
I have been thinking about my little place here, wondering when I should get back to documenting and saving and remembering. I have been in Washington for over a year now and taking it one day at a time. I was conquering my photo a day until October 2011 hit and then…. well… I wasn’t conquering. : ( When I get busy taking other people’s photos, I forget about my own. There is only so much I can do with the limited amount of time I have in a day. Anyhow, I was just thinking and thought I would leave a little footprint here for the day. Yesterday when I thought about NOT being limited to photography I remembered that I have this spot-lisaheuer instead of lisaheuerphotography. I am REALLY wanting to learn more about filmaking. I am addicted to learning.
KEEPING UP WITH PROJECTS
I feel like 2011 came swooping in and I forgot all th things I wanted to do. Anyhow, I have a personal project related to my photography and my life that I am doing this year (tried last year but failed). Just a photo a day with some info. If you are interested in keeping up with my project, follow me on my flickr page.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisaheuer/sets/72157625789365172/
I’d love comments below the picture, if you can figure out how to do it. : )
Until I get on top of all the things I had swimming in my head, that’s all I can do for now. You can also see more detailed info on my photography website-the link is over there on the right.
A winter break
I’m not quiet feeling into the groove… I have spent far too much time on the computer, getting ready for 2011 in the biz world, figuring out what I am doing and what I want to be doing. I am in a funk-unexplainable. For now (or until another scheduled post hits the blog), I will leave you with this… I found it floating around my old blog. : ) Its good!
Awesomeness: When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome again. True story.
Jumping
From oldest to youngest, they each got a turn. How about that static hair? Oh to be close to some of our cousins… (we missed P on this because she was a little nervous with the kids jumping but who could blame her?)
Cotton Fields
When in AZ last week, I just HAD to pull over and check out the cotton fields. Who doesn’t love a puffy ball of fluff? I also HAD to show the kids! Zane was pulling on the bushes and ripping apart the cotton. Zoe was smelling it, touching it and handling it gently. Boys and girls are so different. : ) My mom was explaining to the kids what is done with cotton and how they make clothing. So, yes it was worth the stop. BUT, you know what I love… in the last photo you can see the sun’s rays. Now, that is AZ!
(post edit… why is that top section being underlined? {insert my scream here!})
Halloween Found!
Guess what Tim had? A picture of the kids in his phone! Yep, this is Fancy Nancy and Woody. Yes! This is NOT a fatherhood failure! Thanks for covering me dear…
