First, let me say that it is almost 12:00am and I told myself that I would hit the sack at 10:00pm-looks like I missed my target.  When am I ever going to learn?  Or do I accept that I won’t and make the best of it?  : )

OK, today was a full day-mentally.  I took Lindsey’s kids to church with me.  I am pretty sure that I was the entertainment for the families behind me.  I was 1 taking on 4.  It was a site to see.  After church, Lindsey somehow convinced me to go to lake with her family.  She also had my kids dead set on going so I had to hear the begs and pleas and whining.  It was beautiful, warm sun, cold water!

On the way home from that excursion, we stopped at mom’s for dinner.  It was a delicious spaghetti dinner that I didn’t have to cook or clean. 

While we were at mom’s, Zane showed his face-the one that says, “I need to go poo.”  Don’t be thinking that you have heard enough poo stuff and stories-try living it!  Anyhow, I rushed him off to Mom’s toilet and he didn’t cry, didn’t say I was mean, didn’t argue.  We are making headway!  After probably 30 minutes, he was proud to rid the “snakes” of his body.  He says, “oh dat feeos so much bettuh.”  Well, since I reward him with choo-choo trains after giving birth to the snakes, what was a mom to do?  I had to continue and encourage, right.  Dang, it was Sunday AND you won’t believe this.  I didn’t have my purse.  That means, I went all the way to the lake without my purse.  I was in crazy mode getting the kids ready, I went off and left it sitting on the counter.  I checked the gas as soon as I realized I had no purse-gas level was fine.  Lindsey had a purse.  Oh, and Tim lovingly put $5 into my change tray just in case…  So, I was covered (unless I got pulled over and was asked to display a driver’s license).  So, how was I going to buy him a train without money-ON SUNDAY?  Well, my mom came through for me. (How many other people do I owe money to out there?  This is getting ridiculous!)  It was 8:30, we head off to Target with only two $10 bills, Zane in his underwear and no shoes (I wasn’t expecting to shop thank you) and Zoe in her PJ’s. 

In the car I started to have this discussion:

Zoe: Mom, I am starting to feel like you don’t love me.

Me:  Zoe, why would you ever feel that way?  I need to change something so you know how much I love you!

Zoe: You aren’t buying me anything and you are buying Zane something and that hurts my feelings.

Me:  First Zoe, don’t you remember that I just took you and only you to Disneyland?

Zoe: Yes, and that made me feel like you love me

Me: I am buying Zane a train because we are working on the poop section of potty training.  When I worked with you, I was buying you things too.  And by the way, buying something doesn’t say I love you.  AND when I don’t buy you something it doesn’t say I don’t love you.

Zoe:  Well, at Christmas time, you buy me presents because you love me, right?  Isn’t it kind of like that-you buy presents for me when you love me.

Me:  Zoe, I love you all year long, not just at Christmas time.  Sometimes I buy you things and sometimes I don’t.  I tell you that I love you every day and show you in lots of ways.  I am buying a train for Zane because he is struggling with poop.

ZANE: (jumps in) I NOT SCRUBBLING

Zoe: Well, I think you should buy me something otherwise I will be sad.

Me: (wondering if this is really happening or a day with 4 kids has really done something to my brain.)  Zoe, do you have a goal or something that you are working on or struggling with that we could set up a reward system like the choo-choo train for Zane.  I know, you struggle with being sassy, maybe we could talk about that.

Zoe:  No, I Srrrruggle with getting dressed and wearing itchy clothes.

Me: (realizing that she is right, her clothes are ALWAYS an issue-nothing is right and she always says, “that bothers me,” so I know what she is getting at because she knows how much it frustrates me.) Oh, ok… so if you can put on your clothes for a week-not the same clothes (like she does now) without letting them bug you and getting upset about it, we can go get you something too.

Zoe:  A WEEK?  Zane just went poop one time and he gets a train and I have to do that for a week?

You can see that I was getting nowhere and reasoning just doesn’t happen.  Do kids know how to tug at the heart strings when they say things like, “I am starting to feel like you don’t love me.’” I think I know what she is saying at her heart of hearts.  She sees me spending lots of time with the current issue and giving attention and praise and rewards and she is needing some too.

Since the new year, I have been delighting in a sparse calendar-empty days instead of over filled days.  I am working on my relationship with my kids and wanting to be more present for them.  I know there is always room for improvement but it is moments such as these and conversations such as these that make you realize that it surely is a constant give and until they are older they can’t see what you feel or what you do as a mother FOR THEM.

I love you Zoe and Zane.  If I could plant a money tree and have it produce year around, I would so I could buy you anything, especially when you think it means that I love you more.  : )  (Well, maybe not.  You probably wouldn’t be nice kids then.)  I want you to know that I don’t have all the answers.  As a matter of fact, I know nothing of parenting and I am doing my best along the way.  I do everything because I love you.  I want to show you respect and love, I want to help you.  I always want the best for you.  If you are ever feeling unloved, my arms are always open and ready to give you an abundance of what you are feeling short of! 

"If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves.”

~Maria Edgeworth

I learned today that by thinking 4 kids at church by myself will be easy-no problem, doesn’t necessarily make it true.  I also learned that my kids like to be proud of me-I hope to give them more of those moments to see.  I learned that Gabrielle is even funnier than I already knew her to be. I learned that Jill likes to be famous.  : )  I am learning that I can do some things that I always felt guilty about NOT doing instead of spending time with pointless stuff. 

I am grateful for Lindsey and her family.  I am glad she is letting me take her kids to church.  I am grateful for the concept of patience-just wish I used it more today.  I am grateful for this fun quote book and glad I dusted it off to find some good inspiration throughout my days and weeks.  I am grateful for smiles, friendships, exercise, food, laughs, and movies.  I am grateful for ice in my water.  Sorry, I just can’t have a beverage without ice.  I am grateful for my burning eyes that are a sure sign of warning that it is far past my bedtime.  How else would I know that it was that time of day?  I often have tried to squeeze so much in a day that I can only rely on my eyes.  : )   I am grateful for these awesome “lounge pants” that I can only wear when Tim is not here.  They are the epitome of comfort but NOT the epitome of cuteness or even close.  I am grateful for Skype-even though it isn’t working so well.  I am grateful , so grateful…