Lisa Heuer

We must have some special money over here… 

Zane picked up a quarter today and said, “Mom, look!  It is a money wif a train on it.  Oh, mommy, look!  The udder side has Jesus Christ.”

(An unposted thought from a couple days ago; now posted)

I sometimes listen to myself, but maybe mostly I don’t.  I have heard myself say some pretty crazy stuff!  I mostly say, “I don’t care that I am trying to lose weight because I want to eat this not so delicious whatever-I am hungry.”  But the truth is, I CARE.  I try to convince myself that it is all just some trickery but I don’t listen… I eat the not so delicious whatever and then regret it later.

You want to know what else…  I was lonely.  It was quiet.  My little boy was old enough to go to preschool?  Was I old enough to have both kids in some sort of school?  I was lonely (again).  Then, they came home.  Then, I wanted the quiet house and unlimited time.  That is some crazy talk.

How is it that we can experience (sorry, I hate to bring in the general public and say “we” but I am hoping I am not alone on this) such an array of emotions about the same thing?  How can I want to lose weight, feel great, and then go do something so stupid like eat 5 cookies in a row and realize what I have done to my “get fit” goal?  How is it that I can be so lonely in my empty home and then by 7:00pm at night look forward to that same loneliness the next day and then wish I never looked forward to it?

Weird. Or maybe not. 

its late.

I want to wear a mohawk! (I think I will)

I procrastinate my bedtime when Tim is gone.  Its like making myself so tired that I am asleep before my head hits the pillow.

I took Zoe out of school today, surprised her.  My reason:  an appt.  When she walked out I explained that the appointment was a special mommy/daughter date to get a treat.  She was thrilled, then I was too.

I am wearing my glasses-my contacts hurt today.  I like my green glasses.

I had my kids in bed at 7:30 tonight because I needed to have a “stickholders” meeting.  We made a calendar to fill september-december.  I realized that 2010 is right around the corner.  Scary!

I have lots of projects swimming in my head. 

Swimming?  Yes, I would say that fairly explains it.

I miss Kristie-I rarely talk to her.

I thought about Hazel and Gunter yesterday.  I don’t miss being responsible for dogs-I do miss their company.

This house is getting a minor make-over and I am excited about it.

I suppose losing weight is easier said than done.  I didn’t care for a time-I figured it didn’t matter what and how much I shoved into my mouth.  It made me feel good.  Funny thing is, I did care.  It takes four times as long to lose it than gain it.

reading blogs: I am loving the great find of a super cool photographer and studying their technique and lifestyle.  Blog reading is funny- everything is a perception.  Some blogs make my day, others ruin my day-all because of my perception.  weird.

tomorrow I get to eat sushi.  supercalifragiloustiexpialidocious.  Oh wait, it IS tomorrow right now so I should say that I get to eat sushi today.

My belly dancing classes start in 2 weeks.  I want to bring somebody with me-I am not sure that I can experience this alone!  It needs to be shared.

Zane just walked in here (it is 1:15am) and said with the cutest brightest smile, “Good morning!”  I had to break the news that it was still in the middle of the night by showing him the darkness outside.  He was confused.

I wish I could have someone sing me a lullaby, actually “You Are My Sunshine” sung by one of my kids would be perfect right now.

I am so afraid of scorpions right now.  I have lived here over 5 years now and found one in the first couple weeks but have found 2 in the last month.  What is going on? 

I OVERRESEARCH everything (is that a word?).  I can’t stop with just a little info, I always keep digging and then the quest for knowledge fills me (and my day).  I suppose I could use a little PINK in this area of my life.

Been doing P90X for 2 weeks now.  I feel it, it burns and it works. 

I have lots of holes in my walls from moving hanging stuff around.  It is not a good look. 

Almost asleep now… can you tell yet?

I need a GOOD laugh. 

Can I sleep in tomorrow?…  oh yeah, not possible.  I should give in right about now and get the 5 hours of sleep that I have left for  myself.

Just when you think you are a good mom, it is time to re-think!  I really thought that everything was under control. HA! Most of all, I noticed that I was able to get stuff done so I couldn’t complain about what was going on downstairs.  Don’t they know the rules around here?  I mean c’mon, must I always supervise?  (OK, don’t answer that!)

After the colorful rain stopped and they were completely out of new packages of fruit snacks (bought the day before from Costco-yes, it really was THAT many), it was time to clean up. 

I was in a little bit of shock when I found this craziness.  I will take the blame because that’s what mom’s do.  It is our punishment for tuning out for a moment or two (sometimes 3 or more).  I often weigh the punishment and determine that whatever it might be, it is worth the ability to think.

This was our kayaking trip on Saturday.  Zane was my captain (although a very grumpy one).  He mostly wanted to complain about the little splashes of water and the sun in his eyes.  He didn’t do his job of protecting me from the pirates at sea.  Oh well…

He may not have been a good captain and he surely was lacking a positive attitude but he is cute and I loved him in my PINK boat!

We enjoyed a full day yesterday.  It stared with a kayak trip down the river and thanks to Ben we had some good entertainment (he flipped his boat 2 times but I m sure it was just to cool off)!  We kayaked for about an hour and a half and then headed out to brunch at Crackers (so delicious).  After brunch, back home for a quick swim in the pool and then some quiet time.  The kids were exhausted but I am not sure why they hate to admit being tired!  What is it about this and childhood?  I beg to be sent to quiet time or to my room for a nap!

The kids had the option to watch a movie or hang out in their rooms and nap or play quietly.  I always am secretly hoping they chose nap but yesterday I wasn’t so lucky.  They both chose a movie downstairs and E.T. was the winner.  I sat for a while and watched and then headed upstairs to do laundry (why didn’t I take quiet time?).  I checked back downstairs to see how the kids were doing and found this…

Apparently, her quiet activity was playing house.  She was being oh so quiet.  I am not sure if sleeping was part of the pretending but I thought it was so cute.  Her little baby doll was there, her bed made of blankets and her little Mo sleeping right next to her.  That panda bear mysteriously appear in our home a while back and who knows where it came from?  She put the door in front of this little niche (a playhouse door that fits in a doorway) and that was her entrance into her “house.”

She slept there for about 2 hours.  When it was time to wake her (I hate to wake my kids when they sleep), Tim went down and rang the doorbell on her door.  It didn’t wake her immediately but shortly after she found her way upstairs and was in a pleasant mood. 

Now that was a blessing.

Sometimes my kids (ok, and my husband) wake up in rotten moods after a nap.  I hate it!  I was expecting some grumpiness but I was mistaken (until Zane woke up and made up for the lack of grumpiness around here). 

Zane had fallen asleep on the couch during E.T. and we had to move him upstairs to his bed.  He woke in his bed about 3 hours later and was soaked due to a lovely accident.  Poor guy-I probably would be grumpy too!

It was such a fun day and to make it even better, we skipped dinner and went to Yogurt Jungle for dessert.  Good times!

It was day 2 of Zane going to preschool.  He woke at 8:40 and I briefly described our morning routine, “Zane, we need breakfast and a bath.  Your backpack is ready to go-with a snack in it.”  He got bright eyed and was easy breezy.  I dropped him off and came back home.  Now what?

I was so lonely.  Quite frankly, I didn’t understand my feelings.  This is the moment that every mother waits for-time by herself.  The house was quiet, no fighting, bickering, nobody arguing with me… a woman’s dream, right? 

I thought about all the things I COULD be doing: cleaning the house, signing up for classes, editing pictures, making dinner, cleaning out closets, etc.  I am sure the list could go on and on but I lacked the motivation to move.  I was basking in my loneliness and thinking about what my kids were busy with at school. 

What is my purpose now?  I have time to develop ME but I am not ready.  I thought I was.  Little Ms. Organization wasn’t quite organized enough.  Isn’t the purpose of my existence to rear children?  OK, so I often am begging for a different job but TODAY I wanted my job back.  I looked forward to picking up Zane from school, to see his cute little smile and his excitement when he opened his backpack to show me its contents. 

The plan was to go to his buddy’s house after school.  So, I asked, “Zane, do you want to go home with Britton or do you want to come home with me.”  He chose me, thank goodness.  I might have had a little pity party…

So, we come home so this quiet house which suddenly has changed.  He asks me to go downstairs and join him on the couch for Polar Express (his favorite movie).  I oblige and was quickly wishing myself to sleep with my heavy eyes (please remember that I am on a quest to lose weight and get back in shape-or at least try to find a new shape-or maybe like the shape I am in… I haven’t quite decided.  Anyhow, my quest is waking me at early hours nowadays).  Zane was not interested in a nap.  He wanted to build a fort with pillows and blankets, rattle his trains and make all sorts of noises that I am sure seemed louder than normal because I was trying to sleep. 

So, I realized how ironic the whole situation was.  I was feeling lonely-needing to take care of somebody, entertain somebody, hear somebody’s voice, hear a giggle or two (it could have been so weird without all the interruptions while trying to type a sentence?  Maybe I missed that too?).  After bringing him back home, I needed a nap.  Crazy.  It was a classic example of taking something for granted.  I hate that trap that I fell into!

I know this awkwardness will pass.  I went through some weird emotional changes when I had Zoe.

Zoe was my first child, the world of everything unknown was knocking at my door.  I was a working girl before, I knew my place in the world and I took care of people and was a wizard at the bank!  I loved working.  Then, I had a baby.  My world stopped but how come everybody else’s world continued on?  I remember the loneliness.  I remember the uneasy feelings.  I remember the tiredness.  I remember not knowing what to do with my time.

It all worked out.  I don’t think it took long.

Zoe and I developed a new routine… a new normal.  I continued to work-2 jobs.  There was new expectations at home.  My time wasn’t my time anymore but I knew that I would do anything for my baby.  I knew that my life no longer belonged to me… I was living to care for and love another who needed me.  It was weird.  I felt different but different was good.  I needed the change. 

I think about all the times I was dying for a nap, 2 hours to research something on the internet, time to bake something amazing, time to clean, time, time, time, time…

I suppose that is the only thing CONSTANT in our lives…. CHANGE!

So, here it is happening again.  So many changes have happened along the way and some were easier to adjust to than others.  This change is good.  I will find a new place.  I will enjoy my time to develop myself as a mother, a wife and an individual.  I look forward to all that I can learn.  I love to learn.  I have said that a time or two.

I am signing up for belly dancing.

I am so grateful for dirty little handprints on my windows, mirrors and walls.  It is my daily reminder that I have been blessed with 2 kids who I love and adore and will someday be begging them to come and visit me.  I am grateful for all the wonderful creative people who sell their cool actions for Photoshop.  I can hardly stand waiting to use them.  Ahhh. a perfect use of my new found time.  (I am sure starting Thursday when Zane is home for the rest of the week, I will be wishing I better spent MY TIME.)  I am grateful for a sale.  I am grateful that Zoe is really interested in the scriptures that we have been reading.  She is helping me understand by asking lots of questions (of course).  I am grateful for a memorized cookie dough recipe that I make EVERY Monday.  I am grateful for gentle reminders.  I am grateful for learning how to use the power drill.  I am grateful for change and what we can learn from it!

If you have the chance to explore and see what things there are to do out there… then follow where you feel the most passion, the future tends to take care of itself.  ~Libby Riddles

If you love it, then while you are doing it you are a true expression of yourself, your time, and your story.  You are authentic.  ~Lina Wertmuller

There’s nothing better than being yourself.                                ~Cristina Fernandez De Kirchner

Getting fit is a political act-you are taking charge of your life.  ~Jane Fonda

Today was Zane’s first day of preschool.  I had a hard time saying good bye for real and leaving the little classroom.  I had just enough time to dine with Gabrielle, return home for a potty break, look at the clock and realize that I needed to get back in the car to pick him up.  I actually wanted to pick him up, see his face and the expression he wore when coming out of the class.  He was so pleased to be a big boy and wanted to tell me all about Sssssnakes (learning the S sound).  What I do know is that now our bedtime routine needs to start at 3:45 when Zoe walks in the door.

By the time we make lunches and snacks, read for homework, lay out clothes for the next day, set alarms, load backpacks, check for letters to parents and sign any forms, eat dinner, read scriptures (taking our Bishop’s new challenge to read the Book of Mormon by Dec. 1st), review letter sounds, practice piano, and handle all the millions of “why” questions along the way, several hours have passed. 

We will try and streamline the process and eliminate the constant distractions and detours along our end of the day ride but it will be tricky and probably tiring!

Luckily I keep a little camera in my purse and luckily it had a battery with a little juice.  Zane was eager to wear his Diego shoes and backpack.  I mean really… is there a cuter preschooler out there???  Ok, don’t answer that. 

Dang, Zane you are growing up so fast.  I have plans for my time alone but it doesn’t compare to my time with you.  Don’t tell dad that I have 3 mornings to myself because then I might have to cancel the cleaners or something crazy like that.  I missed you today-your words, your smile, your compliments, (really missed those!  Who will tell me that they like my toes, my hair or my clothes?) and your easy going personality.  I am excited about all that you will learn and I look forward to moving along this new journey with you.  I do have some requests… please don’t become rambunctious or ornery.  Just because you are getting a dose of the world doesn’t mean you have to change anything!  : )  Better idea, how about teach others how to be kind and gentle just like you!  Teach them to love and tell their mommies nice things.  Are you up for that?

today I had the co-op here.  I ended up with 6 kids under the age of 6 at my home.  The housecleaners had just left as my first guest was arriving.  It was all under control. 

Then, the toys started appearing.  The buckets were dumped, blocks everywhere, pillows off the couch to make forts and who knows what else.  Each time I visited the basement, I realized that maybe, just maybe, this house isn’t too big after all.  It might be just the thing to have-a mess where I can’t see it.  I didn’t seem to be bothered that every toy-literally every toy we own- was on the floor, bomb style.

I have been down there several times since the explosion occurred and I haven’t stopped to clean it up.  I have discovered something…  having a clean basement is not all that it is cracked up to be (I know Tim is shaking his head with disagreement).  The kids have found all sorts of things that they haven’t seen in months.  They have occupied themselves playing new games and using their imaginations in new ways. 

hmmm…  how long will it stay that way?  Probably as long as it helps the keep the peace upstairs.  I would rather the mess be down there than up here.  I would rather the noise be down there too. 

So, who needs a clean basement (should I stretch it and say clean rooms or house) anyway?

ahhh… big sigh for this one. 

I put Zoe in charge-her first babysitting job.  She was to babysit Zane, stay out of Tim’s way (he was working downstairs), and clean all the rooms in the house all for $1 if everybody was happy when I came home.  BONUS: I would take them both to buy a toy at Target (with my secret mission being looking for a lamp for Zoe’s room).  I left for 2 hours and received about 8 phone calls from Zoe documenting her experiences as a babysitter. 

I came home, everyone was happy and the house looked amazing.  Too bad Zoe just blew her cover-I now know her capabilities and she will be cleaning more often.  Seriously, it appeared as though the housecleaners had just left my home.

I loaded them up for Target right away and I was excited.  I was so excited that they did just as I had asked and I was relieved from all the cleaning downstairs.  I kept telling Zoe how awesome she was and that I was so proud of her.

At Target, I got them some lunch-bad planning on my part, leaving without food first.  The food kept them busy while I looked at lamps until Zane suddenly claimed, “I haf to go potty.”  As you may know, when kids say its potty time, it really is potty time without much time to spare.  We dashed and maneuvered our way through the isles back to the restrooms where Zoe was soon to lose what she had earned.

Here is where it became comical-

Zoe tried to be first on the toilet.  That little stinker snuck in there while Zane was trying to drop his pants (we went to the family restroom).  That frustrated me first because Zane was the one to express his need.  Because I am “mom” I had to take control of the situation and tell Zoe to wait her turn. Then, Zane told me he wanted to flush the toilet (simple things make him happy) when he was finished; Zoe hit the flusher before he could.  ARGH… Zane screams which alerted possibly all of Target guests and then cries.  I try to comfort him (mostly to save some of the embarrassment) while explaining that it is ok, he can flush Zoe’s pee and mine so he will get 2 turns.  I am thinking to myself that I can’t believe we are having a discussion and an argument over flushing the toilet but anything goes in public I suppose.

Zoe is almost finished with her business and quickly reaches behind her and flushes the toilet.  Can you believe it.  I couldn’t either.  I gave her THE LOOK.  I know anybody reading this knows exactly what I am talking about.  It is the look if disgust while my brain is trying with all its might to consider how I will handle this.  I asked her why in the world she would do something like that after we just had the discussion of Zane flushing when she was done.  Her response, “I wanted to flush my own pee.”

Oh boy…  I can only imagine what we sounded like!

I don’t think there is anything she loves more than irritating Zane.  Anyhow, the screaming and crying was kicked up a notch so I had to act fast.  I told Zoe that she just lost her toy that she worked so hard for.  The crying continued louder but instead of just one child crying, it was BOTH.  Yep, in the bathroom, both kids crying because one couldn’t flush the toilet and the other lost her toy for flushing the toilet.  My pleasant trip to Target was turning into a disaster.

I was so sad for Zoe.  I told her how sad I was because I really wanted to buy her something.  I am sure that other unsuspecting shoppers were listening to me explain that I could no longer buy her something because she did not let him FLUSH the toilet.  I wanted to add the words- that you were being a brat and love to make your brother crazy and me all at the same time but instead I said, “That was an very unkind thing to do.”  I didn’t know what other immediate solution I could do.  I didn’t want to take it away…  What’s a mother to do?  Where is my manual?

Zane picked out a train, of course, then we were ready to go.  BUT a new problem… Zoe refused to leave the store until I bought her something.  There goes the LOOK again.  What was I going to do?  What would Love and Logic do?  BUT, what was convenient with a cart full of stuff for home?

I told her that it was time to go.  I was sorry that she lost the privilege of having a new toy.  I was just as sad as she was and I hoped that she would earn it in the near future.  I then told her that she could walk with me or I could carry her but either way we needed to leave.

She did…

Ahhhh…  deep breath and another confirmation that 2 kids and shopping is NOT a good equation!

All this for the love of a good flushing toilet.