It was day 2 of Zane going to preschool.  He woke at 8:40 and I briefly described our morning routine, “Zane, we need breakfast and a bath.  Your backpack is ready to go-with a snack in it.”  He got bright eyed and was easy breezy.  I dropped him off and came back home.  Now what?

I was so lonely.  Quite frankly, I didn’t understand my feelings.  This is the moment that every mother waits for-time by herself.  The house was quiet, no fighting, bickering, nobody arguing with me… a woman’s dream, right? 

I thought about all the things I COULD be doing: cleaning the house, signing up for classes, editing pictures, making dinner, cleaning out closets, etc.  I am sure the list could go on and on but I lacked the motivation to move.  I was basking in my loneliness and thinking about what my kids were busy with at school. 

What is my purpose now?  I have time to develop ME but I am not ready.  I thought I was.  Little Ms. Organization wasn’t quite organized enough.  Isn’t the purpose of my existence to rear children?  OK, so I often am begging for a different job but TODAY I wanted my job back.  I looked forward to picking up Zane from school, to see his cute little smile and his excitement when he opened his backpack to show me its contents. 

The plan was to go to his buddy’s house after school.  So, I asked, “Zane, do you want to go home with Britton or do you want to come home with me.”  He chose me, thank goodness.  I might have had a little pity party…

So, we come home so this quiet house which suddenly has changed.  He asks me to go downstairs and join him on the couch for Polar Express (his favorite movie).  I oblige and was quickly wishing myself to sleep with my heavy eyes (please remember that I am on a quest to lose weight and get back in shape-or at least try to find a new shape-or maybe like the shape I am in… I haven’t quite decided.  Anyhow, my quest is waking me at early hours nowadays).  Zane was not interested in a nap.  He wanted to build a fort with pillows and blankets, rattle his trains and make all sorts of noises that I am sure seemed louder than normal because I was trying to sleep. 

So, I realized how ironic the whole situation was.  I was feeling lonely-needing to take care of somebody, entertain somebody, hear somebody’s voice, hear a giggle or two (it could have been so weird without all the interruptions while trying to type a sentence?  Maybe I missed that too?).  After bringing him back home, I needed a nap.  Crazy.  It was a classic example of taking something for granted.  I hate that trap that I fell into!

I know this awkwardness will pass.  I went through some weird emotional changes when I had Zoe.

Zoe was my first child, the world of everything unknown was knocking at my door.  I was a working girl before, I knew my place in the world and I took care of people and was a wizard at the bank!  I loved working.  Then, I had a baby.  My world stopped but how come everybody else’s world continued on?  I remember the loneliness.  I remember the uneasy feelings.  I remember the tiredness.  I remember not knowing what to do with my time.

It all worked out.  I don’t think it took long.

Zoe and I developed a new routine… a new normal.  I continued to work-2 jobs.  There was new expectations at home.  My time wasn’t my time anymore but I knew that I would do anything for my baby.  I knew that my life no longer belonged to me… I was living to care for and love another who needed me.  It was weird.  I felt different but different was good.  I needed the change. 

I think about all the times I was dying for a nap, 2 hours to research something on the internet, time to bake something amazing, time to clean, time, time, time, time…

I suppose that is the only thing CONSTANT in our lives…. CHANGE!

So, here it is happening again.  So many changes have happened along the way and some were easier to adjust to than others.  This change is good.  I will find a new place.  I will enjoy my time to develop myself as a mother, a wife and an individual.  I look forward to all that I can learn.  I love to learn.  I have said that a time or two.

I am signing up for belly dancing.

I am so grateful for dirty little handprints on my windows, mirrors and walls.  It is my daily reminder that I have been blessed with 2 kids who I love and adore and will someday be begging them to come and visit me.  I am grateful for all the wonderful creative people who sell their cool actions for Photoshop.  I can hardly stand waiting to use them.  Ahhh. a perfect use of my new found time.  (I am sure starting Thursday when Zane is home for the rest of the week, I will be wishing I better spent MY TIME.)  I am grateful for a sale.  I am grateful that Zoe is really interested in the scriptures that we have been reading.  She is helping me understand by asking lots of questions (of course).  I am grateful for a memorized cookie dough recipe that I make EVERY Monday.  I am grateful for gentle reminders.  I am grateful for learning how to use the power drill.  I am grateful for change and what we can learn from it!

If you have the chance to explore and see what things there are to do out there… then follow where you feel the most passion, the future tends to take care of itself.  ~Libby Riddles

If you love it, then while you are doing it you are a true expression of yourself, your time, and your story.  You are authentic.  ~Lina Wertmuller

There’s nothing better than being yourself.                                ~Cristina Fernandez De Kirchner

Getting fit is a political act-you are taking charge of your life.  ~Jane Fonda