I think what I wasn’t told (among a gozillion other things but this one is topping the list) about having children is the amount of guilt that is born with each child.  GUILT.  No matter how you handle it, guilt is still there.  I could have, should have, would have is something I often say. I have a desire to be a wonderful mother.  I want my kids telling all their positive influencing friends : )how cool their mom is. I want to do amazing things for them.  I want to clear everyday for them.  I want to bake fresh bread and cookies, volunteer in their classrooms, sing them to sleep, insist on nutritious meals for their growing bodies, spend afternoons running in the park and playing with them, sit on the couch and watch movies and eat popcorn with them…  everyday.  Yes, I want to be THAT kind of mom everyday.  Hence the guilt because I cannot give them all of that.  The best quote I have heard recently (pardon that I have no idea if I read it, heard it, watched it, etc.) is this:

I love you with all my heart but not all of my time

But why do I not have all the time in the world for them?  I know why and it is going to sound selfish but I might as well be honest.  I need to do things for me, I need to learn and grow and develop talents, I need to create, I need to think. I need to take care of the home (laundry, cooking and cleaning-although I avoid the above, it still lurks) and I need time for Tim.  Those are in no particular order  ; )

So a guilty day looks like this to me…

Good morning Zoe.  How did you sleep?  (giving her big hugs and kisses)

Or sometimes it looks like this…

Zoe, please don’t wake me up until you have showered and put on your uniform for school.  Then I can get up and make you breakfast.  (little does she know that I was probably up until 2:00am because that is when I can have several hours of uninterrupted think time.)  OUCH.  GUILT.  I try to roll back over and fall asleep, feeling so bad that I didn’t hop up out of bed to greet my darling daughter who is coming to get me to help start her day.

The next part of my guilty day looks like this…

Zoe, what do you want for breakfast?  (she usually doesn’t know for a while and procrastinates terribly)  Well, when you are ready to eat, let me know…  and then I slip off into the office to balance our books, check email or finish a picture or two.  She usually wanders into the office a bit later asking me why I’m in the office.  OUCH.  GUILT.  I should be spending the morning with her, talking with her but instead a few moments of free time allows me to jump into my own world for a second.

See how throughout my day I am continually battling what needs to be done and what I want to do.  Sometimes those 2 worlds mix-like with photography.  I need to get stuff done for people and I want to do it.

Tonight, Zoe wanted me to lay in bed with her and watch a movie.  I wanted to.  I wanted to cuddle up with her and make the rest of the world and my to-do list go away.  I told her that I wanted to finish a few things and then I would join her.  By the time I got to her, the movie was over.  OUCH.  GUILT.

I keep thinking that getting rid of my to-do list will create more time for them but the truth is that a to-do list never goes away, as you cross off the top, it adds to the bottom.  So guilt describes what I feel on several occasions throughout my day.  Putting my kids off another 20 minutes, answering the phone when I should just let it ring, getting on the computer to return and email and then getting busy with other things, THIS OFFICE… basically anything for myself (or our home) brings an element of guilt.

I’d like to change that.  I’d like to feel ok about working as well as I’d like to feel ok about not working.  I’d like to feel ok about letting my kids spend time by themselves as well as finding more opportunities to spend time with me.  I love them with all my heart but not all my time (I am now thinking that I may have seen or read something like this on C-Jane’s blog???  From some published Mormon women???).

Mother=guilt just like parenting=sacrifice.  I just want so much for them, and it is always what I wish I would or could do or give them but can’t for any given reason.

Finding balance… my ultimate search on a continual basis!