Let me tell you about a relationship I’m having.  This relationship involves lots of sacrifice, starvation, self-control, and evaluation.  I’m not even sure that this relationship is one of happiness (probably the opposite) but for some reason I am very devout and faithful to this relationship (until I snapped)…

Have you ever heard of HCG?  Maybe I should stop now but I won’t because I don’t have to. : )  HCG is described HERE.

I started my relationship with HCG about 2 weeks ago or so.  It was a last minute decision in order to help support Tim with his adventure on HCG.  He told me, “Don’t do it for me,” but given the fact that a strict 500 calorie diet was required, I knew I needed to know something about it.  When he was 30 seconds away from hitting purchase, I had him add me to the order.  So, we started together.  We ate together.  Each afternoon, he came up from his dungeon and we had our 100 grams (weighed raw) of lean meat, one vegetable and one piece of melba toast together.  In between meals, we used the drops as directed… 3 times per day, under the tongue, no food or drink 15 minutes before or after.  After the first two binging days and then day one with restrictions, I knew I was in for something VERY difficult.

I couldn’t stop thinking about food.  I suffered many headaches the first 4 days.  I felt like my insides were going to eat my outsides.  I wanted the scale to show a 10 pound drop after the first week as motivation to continue but no such luck. I started keeping a list of the things I wanted to eat so I wouldn’t forget-and to clear it from my mind.  I planned my “graduation” day with an outing for breakfast, lunch and dinner and snacks between.  By all means, I would have earned it, right?

Then, I we suffered through our Disneyland trip trying (and succeeding) to stay on track-passing on the churros and frozen bananas and anything else that tried to tempt us.  We did stay in a hotel next to The Cheesecake Factory and had to truly evaluate what we wanted to do each night as the craving for something silky smooth, chocolaty and sweet would overcome us.  I made it through eating Jack In The Box grilled chicken strips on a bed of lettuce using mustard as my dressing.

When I came back home, the scale read the same as the day I left.  Let’s just say meltdown! Depressing!

I was determined to beat the dang thing.  I couldn’t let that stop me.  By day 15, I was down 10 pounds.  It certainly wasn’t what I hoped for, given the challenge of staying on track.  I wanted amazing results but 10 is better than none and I certainly wouldn’t lose 10 pounds doing a reasonable diet.  : )  My mind started to think differently.  I was OK, I was going to be OK.  I was losing weight and it was just food.  I was beginning to get accustomed to my 500 calories and feeling full (far from satisfied in the taste department).  I also was totally clear on how a person on HCG could gain every ounce back after completion.  I was clear about how much food helped me get through my day.  I was clear on how much food was a part of a social life.  Food is good.

Then the day came… Tim was leaving for Iceland and he knew he would have no control over the food.  He needed to stop the second phase and move into the maintenance phase.  With that, we decided to go out for dinner his last night home.  And there you have my SNAPPING moment.

I knew Tim was done.  I still had 7 more days on 500 calories.  I was starving.  STARVING.  My apple for breakfast and a palm full of cubed chicken breast for lunch was not tiding me over-it was 5:30pm.  We walked into Texas Roadhouse for some dinner.  Tim had told me that we would enjoy dinner and not worry so much about HCG.  (please understand that Tim had been the rule minder with this diet.  He never ate more that 100g of meat, didn’t want to mix vegetables, etc.)  In my head, not worry meant put me in a free zone, like I was hiding from HCG and I SNAPPED.  But HCG didn’t see me right?  They brought the basket of fresh rolls with their cinnamon butter and I said, “Tim, I am going to have one tonight.”  He looked at me a bit concerned as he was plucking the cheese and croutons from his salad and pouring vinegar on for taste.  I ate the roll, with the butter of course..  I ate a second roll, the same way.  Tim asked me if he should say something and I told him I was ok.  I ate the third roll.  My meal came, bed of lettuce with grilled chicken.  This time, I skipped the mustard and asked for honey mustard.  I dipped my fork in the dressing then stabbed at my bites.  It was delicious. I remembered what I avoided.  I ate a fourth roll. Tim ate his roasted chicken-no dressing or sauce.

I smiled and told him, “Whatever the price I have to pay for this was totally worth it.”  Bread has never tasted so good.  Honey mustard has never tasted so good.  But the price…

We went to the temple (Tim’s date night idea… who is he lately anyway?) and then as we headed out to the car, I asked him to take me to Dairy Queen.  I don’t even eat Dairy Queen when I am NOT on HCG because I am aware of number of points in my Weight Watchers world.  I ordered a blizzard with peanut butter cup.  My favorite combination in the world is peanut butter and chocolate.  Tim didn’t ask for any bites, I didn’t offer any. 

I sat in the car not knowing what to do with myself.  What happened, what happened that was so good but so bad?  Why did I snap?  Why did I think it was OK to eat 4 rolls and a blizzard in the same night, let alone the same week?  It had been a long time since I had felt this stuffed, this bloated and unable to sit comfortably.  I realized what was happening to my body.  I started getting a headache.  I started to remember why I wanted to lose weight.  I remembered how it felt to over eat.

I woke up today in my bread and ice cream oblivion.  I know it tasted so good.  This morning I wasn’t hungry in the slightest.  I went to church and upon return was still not hungry (I continued with the HCG drops pretending like the incident never happened).  I took Tim to the airport and couldn’t think about food.  I spent the afternoon watching movies with the kids and dozing in and out of sleep and still-no hunger.  Is the diet actually working, I considered.  This is what was supposed to be happening all along… no hunger.  Dinner arrived and I made a huge pasta dish for my family, Lauren brought some delicious braided bread.  There was cake and ice cream but I wanted none.  I stuck to my salad with cubed chicken breast.

I am back on track with a week to go.

What happened was what I expected.  I knew that deprivation was going to get the best of me.  I knew that someday I would give in and wouldn’t be able to stop.  I believe that I needed it because now, I am satisfied.  I crossed off some of the foods on my list (like Oreo shake from drive thru). 

I know there is a world of food out there and it is delicious but losing weight is far more important to me right now.  I know that I am wanting exactly what I can’t have.  I am picturing my day of graduation-it will be lovely.  But, it will only be one day.  I have to stick to my maintenance plan.  You tell me I can’t have something and now I want it more than ever.  All foods on the “banned” list are the foods I want.  I understand how people like me can work so hard at dieting and then get back in square one.  I have been here.  I have been there.  I start to think I have it all under control and I don’t.  I start to think I know the program and I don’t.  I start to think that if I have dieted/maintained for this long than I will be just fine.  One “snap” leads to another then before you know if you are getting out your bucket of clothes you bucketed up because they were too big.  ARGH!

But here I am again.  I am determined to not be here.