I was having a thought this morning… I’m not sure why it started but I sat quietly to let it run around in my head, fast and furious.
Women: why do we feel we must be good at everything? We want to cook, to clean, to mother, to write, to photograph, to create, to sew, to craft, to reupholster, to hem, to decorate, to serve, etc. and when we fall short, we are so hard on ourselves. Or how about that our children are acting unruly… didn’t we teach them better? We must be bad teachers too. Some women hold down jobs outside of their home too. I can’t imagine the pressure to perform there and at home. All of this talk of being good makes me tired.
Men: They work in the industry they feel is a good fit for their skills and don’t try and do the rest (is that generally speaking?). They don’t pretend to ALSO be good housekeepers and cooks, teachers and discipliners, organizers and such. Sometimes they are good at these things but they don’t lose sleep over trying to be good at these things.
So, the thoughts were stirring in me because, in my head, I am a good mom. In my head, I serve nutritious meals that my children love. In my head, I can fix a costume or hem some pants. In my head, sure I can decorate my home. But you see, this is my story and a survival technique. Truth be told, I often feel like I am at the end of my rope wishing I had more patience or wishing I was at least somewhat interested in getting on the floor and playing some sort of pretend game (but my survival story tells me I DID do that). My story tells me that this week, I provided healthy delicious meals for my family. Truth be told, most of them were failures (note…. no, Shepard’s pie made with ground turkey and sweet potatoes isn’t delicious. And meatloaf? I don’t suppose it is ever delicious but please don’t freeze it and expect it to be a good meal later) that I pushed my plate away in disgust and opted for a PB&J. But when you ask me, I remember my story-the one that helps me survive my days. : ) That was embarrassing to say that. Did I really make Shepard’s pie and meatloaf in the same week?
I want to be a good mom, a good cook, have a beautifully clean home, play on the floor, have well behaved children that love and respect me… but I think I need to pick the one that fits my skills and work on the rest-allowing for a learning curve.
Sometimes I ask Tim about different jobs and he easily explains, “that’s not my skill set.” and I understand what he means. He doesn’t try to pretend that he is good at everything. It seems, generally speaking, non-mothers-or non-mothering jobs, choose their skill set, work at it and get paid for it. It’s the job of mothering, (wait, is it mothering or just being a woman?) too many skills that are needed and we are so hard on ourselves when one of those things isn’t so great. Why do we think we need to be good at everything? There was no mothering school we attended, there were no home economics classes that were required prior to bringing those needy little bundles of joy home. Nobody is taking us under their wing to help us through the learning curve. And we certainly don’t have a paycheck that depends on how good (or not good) we are attacking our jobs. I use “jobs” because let’s be honest, it is a whole bunch of jobs-not just the one called Protect The Children, or Take Care Of The Children.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that it is ok to stay in my PJ’s all day-I’m good at that. I’m working on other things today.
and to make things more interesting, here is a picture of the lovely Shepard’s Pie with ground turkey and sweet potatoes. The recipe was from my Magic Foods book (see that attempt to feed my family nutritious meals?)
Oh Lisa,
Do you know how much I loved your post? Like a lot. That totally wraps up my constant thoughts swirling through my head. I constantly feel like I failure in so many ways, no matter how my brain tells me I should feel. Thank you for the reminder! And yes, I do still have your blog saved to my blog and I do still read yours when you post :)
Posted by Tiffany Toronto | 24. Jan, 2012, 7:04 amTiffany!!! How are you! Thanks for stopping by and remembering little ‘ol me! I have been thinking about this for a while and decided to put thoughts to words… too many mommy failure days does this to me.
Posted by lisa | 24. Jan, 2012, 9:35 amYou are mountains of importance to our family dear. Even with the shephard’s pie ;-)
Posted by Tim | 24. Jan, 2012, 10:30 amPhew! I can make the leftovers for dinner tonight. : )
Posted by lisa | 24. Jan, 2012, 11:22 amI LOVE this too!!!!!I think every women can relate,I can and I don’t have kids; )…I love your honesty and willingness to put it out there.AMEN to a pajama day and being good at one thing at a time, even if it’s just hanging out with your kids in your pjs.AND… I still read your blog if you post!I miss hearing what’s going on in that thoughtful head of yours!Love you girl!
P.S.this should be published on the Washington Post or wherever other women can read it and say…phew I’m not the only one.
Posted by Lettie Peterson | 24. Jan, 2012, 12:10 pmLettie! Thanks for stopping by. I tell ya, it’s so nice to hear people agree… I’m not alone and just maybe not crazy! Thank you so much for taking the time to write a comment!!!
Posted by lisa | 24. Jan, 2012, 12:26 pmI totally get you! All this stuff I do with them/for them and last week Angelo says “you don’t really play with us but daddy always does.” I would like to say I didn’t blow my lid and say “well daddy doesn’t cook, grocery shop, do the laundry, etc., etc., etc.,” but I did.
Love that you’re having a pyjama day! And I really don’t care if meatloaf doesn’t taste good as leftovers from the freezer. At least that’s one less night I have to cook. :)
And I love that you put this on your blog. I’ve been thinking for the past week about some comments left on my blog about how my house is so clean and my kids sit through all their meals. And it is and they do, but there’s a whole bunch of not together stuff do that just doesn’t come through on my blog and I’m not sure how to get it out there. So I love love love that you did this.
And sorry for the long rambling comment. :)
Posted by Jenn | 24. Jan, 2012, 2:34 pmI love your rambling comment! Please ramble on anytime! We don’t always (maybe never?) post our worst moments so your right about what comes through on the blog… Kids know the comments that get us! We just wear too much guilt. Thanks for your comment. I’m an feeling so relieved that it may ring true for other too!
Posted by lisa | 24. Jan, 2012, 3:45 pmAnd this, my dear friend, is exactly why you are so dearly missed… the musings that go on in your head that lead to a perspective and wisdom that evade the rest of us. You write so well and seem to capture the emotion that we are sure no one else could possibly be feeling. Where can I subscribe to “Lisa’s Logic 101″? I would like a daily post please. Profound every time. THAT is your skill set.
XOXO
G
PS Bravo to TIm for his comment… that guy is a keeper.
Posted by G | 24. Jan, 2012, 10:33 pmOh G!!! You are here! My blog died but I miss writing. I know nothing, it is far from wisdom but I just think too much! : ). Thanks for joining me on my wild thinking journey! You always make me feel loved and valued for something, even if it is just about complaints. ;)
Posted by lisa | 24. Jan, 2012, 11:04 pmwel that is a nail on the head my friend! You are an amazing mom and the fact that you are constantly evaluating and trying is proof! You will see soon as your kids get older and they head out into the world on their own, your lessons taught will shine through!
p.s. I have an amazing not nutritious and very unhealty meatloaf recipe but dang it’s delicious!! It’s a family favorite!! (it has pork sausage in it so you know it’s good!) I think if you pair it with vegetables and milk it then becomes nutritious!!
Posted by Kristin | 25. Jan, 2012, 12:40 pmDear Life Coach, business mentor, friend and counselor, that is precisely what I am afraid of… Sending them out there. I’m not sure I have invested enough in their future therapy. ;) you’re great and have helped me so much as another shoulder to cry on. Thanks! Hmmm a delicious meatloaf? I didn’t know it existed. Please do share!
Posted by lisa | 25. Jan, 2012, 1:09 pmHey Lisa, just found your blog and this post really resonated with me. Why do we try to do it all?! And then feel horrible guilt when we can’t?! It’s so hard. Thanks for the encouragement and reminder to be easier on myself.
And I agree, you are a great mom. You have amazing kids and they wouldn’t be that way without you.
Posted by Heather M. | 27. Jan, 2012, 9:29 amHeather! The guilt… I know all about that! Thanks for the note and finding my little tiny place here (my safe place to vent). I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to not be alone in this. We are all in this together and many of us experiencing the same growing pains. : )
Posted by lisa | 27. Jan, 2012, 9:33 am