Was I following her example or expecting her to follow mine?  My actions were speaking so loudly, she couldn’t hear what I said.  Those actions said something like, “Have as much chocolate and sugar that you want, your mom does!”  Embarrassing, again. Chocolate isn’t my only problem… and that isn’t my point!  How about spending and adhering to the budget?  I tell those observant ones in my home that, “We aren’t stopping at McDonalds because we have already used our family allowance for the week,” (good mommy move, teaching about budgeting and that money doesn’t grow on trees) and then make an exception and go out for dinner because I don’t want to cook (then teaching them that a budget really is just an excuse, not a rule or boundary, and quite possibly the tree just sprouted some new branches).  What is worse… leaving out the budget lesson all together or teaching them how to make it and break it, every time?   [deep sigh]

I am participating in a group on FB and there is an assigned value each month.  This month is honesty.  The group encourages the parents to really focus on practicing what is preached.  I have realized that I think I’m honest (another survival story) but there are quite a few white lies in my day.  How about when my kids hear me say something on the phone that isn’t true?  “I am not able to do that right now, I am about to leave for an appointment,” and then hang up the phone (still in my PJ’s) and get back on the computer.  How about simply yelling from across the room when the phone is about to be answered, “If it is for me, I’m not here.”  (I don’t really do that, BUT somebody else in this home does and I’ll give you a hint; its a boy.) How about not telling the story exactly how it happened?  If  my children were in my presence for the actual story to happen and hear me tell the happenings with a twist, I would venture to guess that they learn a little tiny bit more about convenient honesty, or maybe some good story telling tips?

I am a prime example of this inefficiency.  That word makes me feel better than dishonesty or inconsistency or even lack of integrity?  In quiet, reflective moments, (which I rarely have, it’s no wonder that I fall short) I can more clearly see these things and I want to declare a mulligan.   I want another chance to do it right, to say the right thing and then be an example of what is right instead of wrong or somewhere in between.  I am the monkey, they are watching me.

If the request was coming from my #1 I would excuse it as a pretty clever way to delay the inevitable.

I started again.

This time, without closing his eyes, he watched me and hung on to every word trying to make sense of the song. I had explained that it was a dream… that I was holding him in a dream and when I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I was sad. When I was finished, he asked for one more song. “Again?” I asked (insert curtsy) as if it was my encore? I have been coughing lately and have a very scratchy voice but he was no critic and could care less, thankfully. (I am so grateful for the simplicity of children. When do we become so Not Simple?) I sang request #2-I Am A Child Of God

When I was finished this time, he reminded me that he needed to say his personal prayers. Aren’t children a good reminder of the things you should be doing? His prayer included some of the most honest and precious things I have ever heard, such as, “please help me to try new foods even though I don’t, and please help me not have dreams about snakes and blood.”

I am so grateful to be a mother. Today, I am grateful. We have been snowed in and I mean that quite literally. Our car, not being capable of driving in the snow, has made it impossible for us to go very far-only to the end of our drive way with our sleds. Anyhow, I thought I wasn’t grateful to be a mother when I felt stuck, unable to go get a grocery or two. I thought I was ready to see another human in the adult version, someone who might understand what it has been like to be stuck at home for four days, somebody who might validate my thoughts and nod in agreement. Instead I had a humble moment to be reminded that children are a gift, a gift that is continual validation regardless of my flaws and short comings, that I don’t need to invite over or leave the house to find.

(post edit… why is that top section being underlined? {insert my scream here!})

It was a fun day (I caught up on editing and ordering) with Zoe’s friend here, popcorn and movies and lots of snacks.  AND, I just got a new message that tomorrow will be the same.  It is pretty amazing how quickly a calendar can be cleared.  I need to get to the grocery store to buy some food for Thanksgiving…